Marching Forth One Day at a Time

I have seen two March Forths come and go barely noticing the date.  If I did notice, it was because a friend asked what proactive marching forth I was planning on my special day.  Last year, I think I reposted my outdated March Forth blog post from half a decade ago – a smug, happy year when I could think of nothing I needed to confront.  Oh, those now-inconceivable halcyon days.

  

Today, I would say there is always something that could use some March-Forthing in our lives.  And this year, after what feels like a long period of stagnant stasis, I have been thinking about many needed “actions in the face of past days of inaction.”

  

I have had a difficult job for the past two-and-half years -- loads of international travel, stress, and time away from my usual ballasts.  I say "stagnant stasis" to describe this period – but underneath the frozen landscape of my personal life, there were roots taking hold.  I recently opined that I grew more in the past two years than I did in the ten before it. That’s true.  I wasn’t fully aware of how I was growing – I’m still not.  But in the face of so many challenges and “growth opportunities” (my loving euphemism for all the crazy I witnessed), I had to grow or get crushed.  And sometimes I got crushed.  Often, it was in those moments of using a spatula to scrape my lifeless form off the bottom of someone’s shoe that I realized – if nothing else – the crushing was an opportunity to learn.  So, what did I learn?  Forgive the expletive, but this March 4^th, I am committing myself to the following:

1.    I will own my own shit.

2.    I will be grateful.

3.    I will do more than just avoid soul-crushers.

Let’s take them in reverse order.  

Soul-Crushers

We all know this to be true – there are mean, selfish, careless, aggressive, acerbic people out there (and some of them have a few of these characteristics).  We work with them, maybe we have one in our family, maybe one's a neighbor.  We see them in the larger world too – the dictators, the spewing pundits, the nutty people on social media who hide behind its anonymity to bully or belittle.  The crazies we have to live with and work with are the hardest to handle – we can easily turn off the TV to forget the dictator (in our blessed country) or delete the crazy person from our Facebook feed. 

  

When confronted with these people, I often think of my favorite Gandhi quote:  “When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it -- always.”

  

Pollyanna I know, but it goes with my theory that there are more fundamentally good people in this world than bad.  Some days, it feels like there may be just 3 more good than bad.  Other days, it feels like the world is brimming with mostly-good souls.  I nonetheless remain committed to the ideal that good does indeed win … ultimately.

  

But how, then, to deal with the soul-crushers who scream, belittle, criticize, lash out, transfer, passive-aggressively don’t act, aggressively act?  I’ve seen a lot of soul-crushing in the last few years.  I’ve met a lot of angry people.  I’ve watched them and often wondered how they’ve gotten so far in the world (if they have) with their overflowing vices.  I have indeed – over the course of my life – given some of these people enormous power over my emotional well-being.  I have chosen on various occasions to please them, to fight them, to let them undermine me, to cry when they are abusive, to take their criticism to heart and doubt myself, and to watch passively as they have bullied others.

  

In the past two years, with increasing but nonetheless limited success, I have gotten better at seeing the signs of crazy early.  With some of the more sophisticated soul-crushers (the ones often who’ve been “successful” in their professional lives), it is hard to see the crazy or the narcissism at first.  Soul-crushers can be initially charming, but their motives are selfish.  What is good for me?  What will allow me to “win”?  Me first. 

  

I have noticed a characteristic of mine of wanting to point out to the soul-crusher what he is doing that is harmful to my peace (see Part III below on owning my own shit).  “You have to stop yelling at people,” I’ve said.  “Sarcasm isn’t what we need here.”  “That was unnecessary roughness.”  “I think it’s important that you don’t avoid this problem.”  I’ve often done it in a half-hearted way – the email sent after not enough sleep.  The drive-by snarky remark. It’s rather cowardly – but honestly, would sitting down with these people and engaging them in a heart-to-heart about why they are soul-crushing really be a productive use of time?  Probably not.  But what does the from-a-distance-lobbed-snark-grenade do either?  It lets them know that I know they suck?  Hooray.  Non-victory!

  

I think it best most often to just avoid the soul-crushers – and avoid the self-righteous attempts to let them know that you know.  But sometimes you cannot avoid them.  Sometimes they darken your very doorstep with their nasty.  Sometimes they come right at you.  Sometimes, they come at the people you are charged with protecting (your children, your employees) and you have to do something if you want to be a person of integrity.   Einstein said “The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” 

So this March 4^th, I commit myself to two important goals that do more than simply avoid soul-crushers: 

1.    First, as I noted, I depend on the fact that good ultimately will triumph over bad because over time – like the stock market’s growth -- it always does.  Karma.  But it will only do so if good souls don’t feel helpless and apathetic.  In a world full of crazy, good souls have to be a force for fairness and light.  We can be magnanimous, grateful, kind, gentle-spoken, open-minded, and full-hearted.  We can encourage where soul-crushers criticize.  We can smile where soul-crushers scowl.  We can think the best of people or be empathetic where soul-crushers are suspicious of motive and think the worst.  We can be mindful of the consequences of our actions on others when soul-crushers often don’t even know the “others” are there.  We can contribute every day to the bank of good will.

2.    More proactively, I commit myself to the idea that every exposure to a soul-crusher requires a careful balancing of factors to determine the right response.  In those moments when I cannot avoid soul-crushers – when it is right to confront them – I commit to doing so, even when doing so makes me fearful of the personal consequences.  Several times in my life, I have watched a real leader protect others.  It happens all too rarely.  But I have seen it and been the recipient of it.  And I want to be the kind of person who does it.  I also want to be the kind of person who protects myself when necessary.  It is self-affirming and may ultimately have positive ramifications for the next potential crushee.  When and why to challenge a soul-crusher is a very personal calculus – different factors will move different good souls.  But it’s fundamentally important that we all summon the courage to do so and say “no more!” when a soul-crusher goes too far. 

  

Gratefulness

  

Ok, back to Pollyanna and her friend Oprah.  I did it – this year I started a gratefulness journal.  I wince a little at admitting it.  Recently, in my office, someone left a copy of the book “The Happiness Project (Or Why I Want to Start Every Morning Singing)” on a work table.  It became a joke that no one would claim it (it wasn’t mine.  I swear!).  No one wanted to be the cheeseball working on a self-improvement project in that environment.  I feel that timidity of spirit in acknowledging that I need to be more grateful, and I need to write myself a daily email to do it.

Have you ever heard of the “negativity bias”?  It is the notion that, even when of equal intensity, things of a more negative nature (e.g., unpleasant thoughts, emotions, or social interactions; harmful or traumatic events) have a greater effect on one’s psychological state than do neutral or positive things. In other words, something very positive will affect your sense of well-being far less than something equally or less negative.  It is a phenomenon I notice more and more the older I get.  And it is one I am trying to fight.  I am fighting it myself as I try as well to give my children the tool of perspective.

When my son Ben complains about not having the latest gadget or James is “too tired” to do homework, I remind them of what life for most children in the world is like – and tell them, far from feeling sorry for themselves, they should bound out of bed happy with the Gods every day.  This is a hard thing for a child to understand of course.  But I’m going to keep teaching it – and taking my children around the world to see that not every one has even indoor plumbing much less an iPhone.  I think this perspective can not only help them avoid the negativity bias, it can also teach them empathy for other's suffering.  Empathy and grace are missing in the human spirit when it is at its most animalistic and base.  We could all use a little more moccasin-wearing.

I hope at the end of the year, with my 365 emails to myself – that remind me to get over myself because I have heat in the winter, clean water to drink, healthy children, a loving partner who accepts me flaws and all, public libraries – I will have developed a habit of gratefulness that will make me feel more joyful about the everyday miracles of my life.

  

Owning My Shit

  

This phrase (it seems too simple and coarse at first, but just wait – it will get you) was life-altering for me this year.  It comes from Elizabeth Gilbert (she who Ate, Prayed, and Loved her way into our hearts).  Here it is in all its seeming simplicity.  The two most important phrases to me are bolded:

“It’s very important that you learn how to own your shit. At some point in your life, you really have to get honest about the weirdest and most damaged and most broken parts of your existence, and take responsibility for it all ... lovingly, but unblinkingly.  For many years, I didn’t own my shit because I didn’t KNOW my shit. If you don’t know your shit, then that shit will control you and make your life into Crazy Town. Until you own your shit, all you do is make excuses for the madness that is always surrounding you, while throwing blame around like confetti.

By this point in my life, though, I know the worst of me. I know the triggers that make me into a temporarily insane person. I know my vulnerabilities and my pride. I know the stuff that makes me want to deceive, and the stuff that makes me vindictive, and the stuff that makes me insecure, and the stuff that makes me just flat-out mean and ugly. And I definitely know all my demons by their first names.

This is what therapy does — helps you to learn your shit, inside and out. This is what meditation is for. This is what recovery is for. This is what reconciling the contradictions of your life is for. This is what radical honesty is for. This is what the courage of truthful introspection is for.

Owning your shit begins to happen the moment you finally recognize that the common denominator in all your biggest problems is YOU.  Not them: YOU.  It’s a beautiful, humbling, necessary realization. It’s an education. It’s painful. It’s the beginning of adulthood. It's pretty much the definition of maturity. 

That doesn't mean abusing yourself:  it just means taking accountability. Own your shit with love and perspective and self-compassion ... but definitely own it.  Don’t worry if other people are owning their shit or not. That isn’t your problem. Just own yours.  Keep your side of the street clean and honest, and rest of it is none of your business.”

The first time I read this, I smiled knowingly.  As a person keen to understand what makes me tick, I loved every word.  But I have been most keen to understand me and less keen to “own” me – to take responsibility for my weaknesses and my own behavior.  To act in a manner that takes into account what makes me tick and what makes me overly-sensitive and what makes me ache and -- here’s the kicker -- control the behavior that comes after the ache.  To be responsible for me instead of “throwing blame around like confetti.”  That’s probably my favorite phrase of the whole passage – how many times a day since have I self-mockingly pictured myself in a tutu and crooked tiara scattering blame around like confetti?  The mental image makes me stop in my tracks – and makes me take responsibility for my part in whatever I am blaming someone else for.  And that accountability makes me work to fix my part of it.  To make myself better.  To act in an honorable, honest way.

I also find the idea of not focusing on whether other people are owning their own shit quite freeing.  Remember the me in Part 1 above on Soul-Crushers who likes to lob the grenade email in to tell someone how inappropriate he is or insensitive she has acted.  If my intention is to mentor or teach because that is my role in a particular moment, than talking to someone else about his or her behavior may be appropriate.  But if my intent is merely to show someone that I know that he doesn’t know that he isn’t owning his shit – well, that is none of my business.  

If we all worked a little harder to own our own shit and focused a lot less on what we find problematic about other people’s behavior, the world would be a lovelier place.

One Day at a Time

  

I am not instinctively good at standing up to soul-crushers, feeling grateful, or owning my own shit.  And I am good at fanciful declarations that feel like poetry in the writing and like bad prose in the implementation – I can talk big and play small.  So this March 4th, I am taking all three of these goals like an addict would – one day at a time.  May the Gods blow a gentle wind at my back as I march forth.